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—Déjame adivinar. Las cosas con Hope no salieron exactamente como esperabas.

—En realidad, no. El espectáculo de ella y Ares revolcándose como comadrejas me hizo vomitar.

—¿Hope y Ares?

—Sí, Gabrielle. Parece que tu hija está caliente.

Xena, Callisto & Gabrielle, Sacrifice II (3x22)

RESURRECTION

(July 1998)

By Joanna Sandsmark

jsandsmark[at]gmail[dot]com

INT. DAHOK’S TEMPLE - DAY

Xena is looking down the hole where Gabrielle disappeared. Callisto lies dead on the floor. Joxer, having wet his pants, runs out of the temple so he doesn’t have to appear in this sketch.

XENA

Gabrielle?
(shouts)
Yo! Gabrielle! You down there?

Suddenly, Ares appears next to Xena.

ARES

She’s gone.

XENA

Yeah, but gone “gone” or just kinda gone? I’m betting it’s only kinda gone cuz otherwise it really wrecks the formula here.

ARES

Gone “gone”. Really, truly outta here gone. Come back to me, Xena. Stand by my side and rule the world.

XENA

(shouting down the hole)
Yoo hoo! Gabri-eh-eeellle!

ARES

You’re being pathetic.

XENA

(to Ares)
I prefer to think of it as thorough.

ARES

Trust me. She’s a memory. Now come back to me.

XENA

In a pig’s eye. Do you think I’m nuts? I’m just going to come back to you like that? Do you think that bard is all that stood between me and the darkness? That devalues all the work I’ve been doing on my self-actualization.
(shouting down the hole)
I’m getting cheezed up here -- so answer me, Gabrielle!

From out of the hole comes the sound of coughing. Xena leans way over and sees a blonde head.

XENA

(cont’d)
Gabrielle? Is that you?

GABRIELLE

(cough, cough)
Xena?

XENA

Yeah! Up here!

Pulling herself up the rocks, Gabrielle slowly emerges from the smoke. Surreptitiously, Ares throws a rock down the hole which knocks her on the head. She loses her grip, falling back into the smoky depths of the pit.

ARES

Oops.

XENA

(to Ares)
Hey! Stop that!

ARES

If she wasn’t gone before, she is now. So say “buh-bah” and let’s go pillage a village.

XENA

I told you! I’m not coming back. I’m well adjusted now. No warlord tendencies left. Find another patsy.

More coughing is heard and Gabrielle emerges again, rubbing the spot on her head where the rock hit.

GABRIELLE

Ow.

XENA

That’s it, Gabrielle! Keep climbing. I’ll find some rope.

Xena runs to look for rope. Ares glances back, sees that Xena isn’t watching and grabs a bucket of oil. He pours it down the rock wall and Gabrielle slips off, falling yet again.

ARES

Watch out for that slick spot -- ooh, that’s gotta hurt.

Xena rushes back with rope then looks down the hole.

XENA

Gabrielle? Where are you?
(to Ares)
Now what did you do?

ARES

She decided to go back down. Anyway, I have a whole army ready and waiting for you. I’m also willing to include full health coverage, including dental and eye care; three weeks vacation per year, and membership in a 401K plan.

Xena throws the rope down the hole, anchoring one end to her waist.

XENA

Grab the rope, Gabrielle! I’ll pull you up!

Slowly, the bard -- dripping with oil, sporting a big lump on her head -- begins to climb up.

GABRIELLE

I think I broke my big toe in that last fall. Don’t drop me, ’kay?

XENA

I won’t.

Xena braces the rope over her shoulder and walks away from the hole pulling Gabrielle up. Ares unsheathes his sword and cuts the rope. The bard falls back down. Xena runs over, grabs Ares’ sword, and tosses it in a corner.

XENA

(cont’d)
Stop doing that!

ARES

Sorry, it slipped. Anyway, as I was saying...

XENA

I’m not interested.

Xena frantically searches the area and finds a huge length of chain. She hefts it up and again ties one end around her waist, throwing the other down the hole.

XENA

(cont’d)
Grab the chain! He cant’ cut that!

GABRIELLE

(faintly, in pain)
Okay...

ARES

It’s useless. She’s dead.

XENA

She’s not dead. She just answered me.

ARES

That was an echo.

XENA

But I distinctly heard her say “okay”, not a repeat of what I said.

ARES

This is a Dahokian echo chamber. It changes the words.

Gabrielle appears, favoring her left arm and right toe, slicked with oil and sporting several scrapes and bumps.

XENA

Look, there she is.

ARES

A trick of the light.

XENA

Now who’s being pathetic?

Both Ares and Xena are ignoring Gabrielle who is struggling to hold onto the chain.

GABRIELLE

Little help?

Quickly, Xena starts pulling the chain, raising the bard. Ares begins attacking the chain with anything he can find but nothing cuts through it. Two hands reach the lip of the hole and in desperation, Ares kicks Gabrielle in the head. She falls back down. Xena is livid.

XENA

That’s it! The last straw! Get out of here!

ARES

I’m sorry for your loss. But now you can join me in the darkness. I’m including a company horse, a summer home, four hundred slaves and a personal cook.

There’s a sound of a body hitting bottom and then silence. Ares and Xena both look down but can’t see anything.

XENA

Gabrielle?

Silence.

ARES

Huh. I think maybe this time she really is gone.

XENA

(defeated)
I think you’re right.

ARES

So? Wanna take my offer? Salary is negotiable!

XENA

Let me think about it.

ARES

Excellent!

XENA

I need some time. If you could come back in a day or two.

ARES

No problemmo! Just gimme a holler.

Ares disappears. Xena stands for a moment, then, when she’s sure he’s gone, she leans over the hole.

XENA

Psst! Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE

Yeah?

XENA

You can come up now. He’s gone.

GABRIELLE

Cool.

Climbing up the chain, a perfectly normal Gabrielle emerges -- no oil, no wounds, fresh as a daisy.

XENA

How’s Hope?

GABRIELLE

Well... let’s just say she was easy pickin’s after all Ares just put her through.

XENA

Excellent!

GABRIELLE

Yeah. So how did you know that wasn’t me?

XENA

You’re kidding right? As if I couldn’t tell the difference between the love of my life and the daughter of evil. Piece of baklava.

Gabrielle just looks at her, waiting.

XENA

(cont’d)
(relenting)
Okay, and the fact that she had that funny voice and still had egg goo on one eyebrow. But I swear I wasn’t fooled even before I noticed.

GABRIELLE

I’ll just trust you on that one. C’mon, let’s ditch this dump before Ares figures out that he blew it again.

They leave the temple, emerging into the daylight.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
So... were you even a little tempted?

XENA

Much as I’d love a 401K plan, not really. I like things just as they are.

As they walk into the sunset we:

FADE OUT.
THE END.

Versiones originales en inglés

COMING OUT
Xena y Gabrielle visitan Potedia con una gran noticia.
COMING OUT - PART DEUX
Xena y Gabrielle llevan las mismas buenas nuevas a Anfípolis.
COMING OUT - THE WEDDING
Xena y Gabrielle celebran su unión en una ceremonia muy particular.
COMING OUT - THE RECEPTION
Xena y Gabrielle son agasajadas con una fiesta inolvidable.
COMING OUT - THE HONEYMOON
Xena y Gabrielle culminan la epopeya en la suite nupcial.
GABRIELLE’S HOPELESS
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Gabrielle’s Hope”.
THE DEBIT - Part One
Parodia de “The Debt I”
THE DEBIT - Part Two
Parodia de “The Debt II”
MATERNAL MISTAKES
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Maternal Instincts”.
BITTER TREAT - A MUSICAL PARODY
Parodia de “The Bitter Suite”.
RESURRECTION
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Sacrifice II”.
DEAD, MY ASH!
Parodia de “A Friend In Need II”; ideal para quienes no quedaron muy conformes con el final de la serie.

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