ArgenXena v.2008 - Homenaje argentino a la Princesa Guerrera - Xena: Warrior Princess


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Las Parodias

—¿Una mujer? ¡Una extranjera! ¿Desafiándonos por la katana sagrada? ¡Qué insolencia!

—Bueno, creo que tendrás que darme una lección.

Sensei & Xena, A Friend In Need I (6x21)

DEAD, MY ASH!

(July 2001)

By Joanna Sandsmark

jsandsmark[at]gmail[dot]com

EXT. FOUNTAIN OF STRENGTH, MT. FUJI, JAPPA - ALMOST SUNSET

Xena holds Gabrielle lovingly, watching the sun. There are still a few minutes left before sundown, as Xena’s fight with Yodoshi skimmed a few hundred feet off the mountain to the west. These things happen.

Gabrielle, tears still clinging to her cheeks, sets Xena’s ashes on the rim of the fountain.

GABRIELLE

You can still change your mind, y’know.

XENA’S GHOST

I can’t. 40,000 souls seeking a state of grace is on my shoulders.

GABRIELLE

I remember when your head was on those shoulders, but things change. Maybe the souls aren’t all that big on grace. Or maybe they said "Greece" and you misunderstood! We could bring them with us -- show them the sights, go dancing, eat some soul food...

XENA’S GHOST

No, Gabrielle. They were really clear. They said "grace" with a Kiwi accent. You can’t get any clearer than that.

GABRIELLE

(mumbles)
Maybe to you.

Gabrielle shifts her hips, jostling the urn. It teeters for a moment, then remains on the lip of the fountain. She bumps it again, harder, and it topples into the fountain.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
Oops! Clumsy me.

Suddenly, Xena is surrounded by a glowing aura, then becomes corporeal.

XENA

Well. that’s just great. Now look what you’ve done.

SOUL VOICE

Cheater! We saw that. You deliberately pushed it in!

GABRIELLE

Did not!

SOUL VOICE

Did so!

XENA

That’s enough.

With a sigh, Xena takes out her sword and stabs herself in the heart. She dies. Her spirit form rises, frowning.

XENA’S GHOST

(cont’d)
That hurt!

Not wasting any time, Gabrielle douses the body with lighter fluid, sets it on fire, and watches it burn, with one eye on the horizon. Luckily, Jappa is the land of the RISING sun, so it’s much better at that. Setting is hard, and it takes its time.

GABRIELLE

Out of the way, Xena.

Xena’s ghost (wearing a trainee badge) is standing in front of the fire, waving her arms, trying to keep Gabrielle from getting to the ashes.

XENA’S GHOST

Booga booga!

GABRIELLE

(sarcastic)
Oh, that’s frightening.

XENA’S GHOST

Give me a break, I’m new.

SOUL VOICE #2

Look, I can see grace! And boy is she hot!

SOUL VOICE

That’s not grace, that’s Xena. Look over there. See the place where the fat guy in the spangly jumpsuit is singing? That’s the land of grace.

SOUL VOICE #2

Don’t be cruel.

XENA’S GHOST

Do something, you idiots! She’s almost got the ashes!

Gabrielle has indeed been working hard, shoving the still hot ashes into the urn.

SOUL VOICE # 2

We’re good at sparkling. Would that help?

Xena withdraws her sword.

XENA’S GHOST

I have a sudden hunger for filet of soul.

SOUL VOICE

Eep!

Immediately, the souls surround Gabrielle. She doesn’t pay any attention because they’re special effects and will be added later, in post. She continues to fill the pot with the smoldering ash.

GABRIELLE

Ooh! Ah! Hot-hot-hot! Damn, I wish you’d stop smoking.

XENA’S GHOST

I’m just going to kill myself again, Gabrielle, so c’mon. Give it up. Sit with me here on this rocky fountain ledge and let’s share a subtexty moment suitable for screengrabs.

Ignoring Xena, Gabrielle continues to gather the ashes.

GABRIELLE

(in her best southern accent)
Oh, Ashley, forget Melanie. I love you!

Gabrielle shakes the urn to settle the contents.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
Settle down, Xena
(laughs)
My, you’re looking pale. Almost ashen, I’d say.
(laughs again at her own joke)
I’m here all week, folks!

Several of the souls are laughing, and a smattering of applause breaks out. Xena isn’t happy.

XENA’S GHOST

Give me that urn.

GABRIELLE

No way.

Before she can be stopped, Gabrielle tosses it into the fountain. Once again Xena is bathed in light and comes back to life. Unfortunately, she’s missing her right leg. She falls on her face.

XENA

Oof...!

GABRIELLE

Oops.

Gabrielle quickly gathers up a small pile of ashes she missed, tosses them in and watches as Xena’s leg shimmers into sight.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
There. I didn’t notice because the camera adds ten pounds.

Xena scrambles to her feet.

XENA

(starting to panic)
The sun is about to dip behind that mountain. I can still make it, if I die instantly.

SOUL VOICE #2

For instant Xena dip, just add sour cream and a dash of dill.

SOUL VOICE

Not funny. Our state of grace depends on her death, ya moron.

SOUL VOICE #2

(petulantly)
Gabrielle got to try out some new material. I thought maybe I could...

The voice is suddenly muffled as if a hand was placed over its mouth. That is, if souls have mouths and hands and things.

SOUL VOICE #3

Heh! Ow! I feel goo-ood.

SOUL VOICE #2

Yo, is that you, James? What’s the godfather of soul doing here? You’re not dead.

SOUL VOICE #3

I’m not even born, baby. But I have a message for Xena from Oprah.

XENA

Oprah?

SOUL VOICE #3

Yeah. Powerful goddess of the future. She says, “Stick around because Oxygen is picking up your option, grrlfriend.”

Xena, sword against her throat pauses. Meanwhile, Gabrielle is drinking from the fountain.

XENA

No kidding?

SOUL VOICE #3

Not only that, she’s going to do a “Remembering Your Spirit” on the 40,000 souls, and that’s enough to bring them to grace. It’s in the fine print.

SOUL VOICE #2

I’m going to talk about my abusive childhood in the eta village, and how I overcame it to become a downtrodden peasant.

Xena suddenly notices the gulping Gabrielle.

XENA

Stop that! You don’t know what effect that will have on a living person!

GABRIELLE

I feel dizzy.

SOUL VOICE

Well, that wraps up our storyline. Thanks for all the dying, Xena, but we’d rather be on Oprah.

The souls shimmy off into the setting sun. As the last rays disappear, Xena holds Gabrielle in her arms. Gabrielle, however, looks a bit pale.

XENA

Looks like it all worked out for the best.

GABRIELLE

My stomach aches.

XENA

Love conquers all, with the help of a multi-millionaire talk show hostess and the godfather of soul. Are you going to write up this adventure in one of your scrolls?

Gabrielle crushes the urn in her hand, not realizing her own strength.

GABRIELLE

Huh.

XENA

Gabrielle? I asked if you were going to write--

GABRIELLE

No, I don’t think so.

She picks up the katana lying nearby and bends it with her bare hands.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
I do believe I’ll have you write the scrolls from now on.

XENA

Uh... Gabrielle, you’re scaring me.

Gabrielle crushes a piece of coal into a diamond with her bare hand.

GABRIELLE

A lot more frightening than “booga booga”, huh?

Quickly, Xena dives for the fountain, but Gabrielle plucks her away with two fingers.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
No, no. I don’t think so.

XENA

Just one little sip?

GABRIELLE

I’ve got the chakram, I’ve got the power, why should I?

XENA

I’ll let you kiss it into me.

GABRIELLE

Wait right here.

Gabrielle takes a huge mouthful of water and kisses it into Xena’s mouth. She repeats this several times, often forgetting to get more water.

CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are standing at the rail, looking out at the water. The souls, fresh from their appearance on Oprah, are rowing. But you can’t see them. Or the oars. In fact, it really doesn’t have any effect on the boat, but it’s a good cardiovascular workout, so they keep doing it.

XENA

So what made you change your mind about the fountain?

GABRIELLE

You “urned” it?

She waits for laughter, but Xena hates puns and the souls are too tired.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)
I guess my act is a soul-o now.
(no response)
They laughed at Oprah’s jokes.

XENA

Seriously, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE

(her attention fully on Xena)
It wasn’t the fountain, Xena. It was you. You have always been my strength.

With a final kiss, Xena whispers:

XENA

As you are mine...

FADE OUT.
THE END.

Versiones originales en inglés

COMING OUT
Xena y Gabrielle visitan Potedia con una gran noticia.
COMING OUT - PART DEUX
Xena y Gabrielle llevan las mismas buenas nuevas a Anfípolis.
COMING OUT - THE WEDDING
Xena y Gabrielle celebran su unión en una ceremonia muy particular.
COMING OUT - THE RECEPTION
Xena y Gabrielle son agasajadas con una fiesta inolvidable.
COMING OUT - THE HONEYMOON
Xena y Gabrielle culminan la epopeya en la suite nupcial.
GABRIELLE’S HOPELESS
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Gabrielle’s Hope”.
THE DEBIT - Part One
Parodia de “The Debt I”
THE DEBIT - Part Two
Parodia de “The Debt II”
MATERNAL MISTAKES
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Maternal Instincts”.
BITTER TREAT - A MUSICAL PARODY
Parodia de “The Bitter Suite”.
RESURRECTION
Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Sacrifice II”.
DEAD, MY ASH!
Parodia de “A Friend In Need II”; ideal para quienes no quedaron muy conformes con el final de la serie.

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