GABRIELLE

Okay. Now, let’s go over the rules one more time.

XENA

Not again!

GABRIELLE

C’mon, this is important.

XENA

Gabrielle, I know the rules. No fire breathing, no mentioning my many skills, no chakram demonstrations in the house, no scary warlord stuff, and absolutely no cutting off the flow of blood to anyone’s brain.

GABRIELLE

Right. And no letting on that we’re anything but best friends.

XENA

Uh huh, though I still don’t understand that one. We do live in Greece, y’know.

GABRIELLE

Yeah, but I want to tell them in my own way. They’re still mourning the whole Perdicus thing.

XENA

You over that?

GABRIELLE

Way.

XENA

No more “"I sing a song of--"”

GABRIELLE

Gak! No, and I’m so sorry I ever wrote that tripe.

XENA

No worries.

GABRIELLE

Thanks.
(beat)
Okay, let’s go in.

ALL

“I sing a song of Perdicus.
The boy I knew, the man I loved--”

GABRIELLE

(waving to them to stop)
Thank you! Thank you very much, but I’d, uh, just as soon not be reminded right now...

MOM

Aww, Chimpycheeks, losing Perdycakes was so hard for you, wasn’t it?

XENA

(sotto voce to Gabrielle)
Chimpycheeks?

GABRIELLE

Long story.

XENA

Uh huh. Bet it’s not in any of those scrolls of yours, either.

GABRIELLE

Mom... Mom... can’t... breathe... must... escape... hug...

MOM

You are way too skinny. Don’t you girls ever eat?

XENA

(to Dad)
You got something to say to me?

DAD

Get out of town, Zina. We don’t want your kind here.

XENA

It’s Xena.

DAD

That’s what I said.

XENA

I know, but I can tell you’d spell it wrong if you wrote it.

GABRIELLE

Hi Daddy.

DAD

Hey, Little Squirrel. How’s my princess?

GABRIELLE

I’m a queen now.

CHORUS

She’s a queen! A queen!
Not a princess but a queen!
Wherever have you been?

DAD

(to chorus)
I heard her. I’ve got ears, don’t I?

CHORUS

He has ears! Has ears!
Very large ears
which stick out of his head
like two shovels made of lead!

XENA

(conversationally)
Nice neighbors.

DAD

(ignoring Xena, to Gabrielle)
So how’s my little girl?

GABRIELLE

Great, Daddy. I’ve been having adventures like you wouldn’t believe, been working on my bardly skills, doing a lot of traveling...

DAD

Have you met any nice boys? You know, it’s time to start thinking about getting married again. Looks like Perdicus might actually stay dead, and you aren’t getting any younger.

GABRIELLE

For awhile it almost seemed like I met a new boy every week, but they all up and died on me. So I’m sorta laying low for a bit.

DAD

(glaring at Xena)
Did you have anything to do with that?

XENA

Other than praying a lot, no.

CHORUS

She prayed to mighty Zeus!
That the boys their lives they’d lose!
She gave them all a hex!
So that she could get some--

XENA

(to chorus, menacingly)
Watch it!

CORO

-- subtex... t!

XENA

(to chorus)
Not all that talented at this rhyming thing, are you?

CHORUS

We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you’re outta luck!

MOM

(to Gabrielle)
C’mon, Sunshine, let’s get some vittles in you. We slaughtered the fatted lamb just for you, Petutie Pie.

LILA

(grumbling)
Sure, every time I asked for fatted lamb it was “No, Lila, we’re saving it for a special occasion!”

XENA

Oh, I forgot you were in this scene. Hi, Lila.

LILA

Hi, Xena. Are you doing it with my sister?

CHORUS

All ears turn to listen now!
As the warrior chooses her words!
If the answer’s “yes” Dad’ll have a cow!
If it’s “no” it’ll appease the nerds!

GABRIELLE

The nerds?

CHORUS

We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you’re outta luck!

GABRIELLE

Sorry. I forgot.

LILA

So? Xena? You gonna answer my question?

XENA

Define “doing it.”
(beat)
In detail.

GABRIELLE

Okay! Change of subject. Mom, you mentioned a fatted lamb?

MOM

I’ll go see if it’s ready.

GABRIELLE

Uh... Mom? Couldja let go for a sec?

MOM

Do I have to?

GABRIELLE

It would make breathing easier.

MOM

Anything for you, Honeybear.

DAD

C’mere, Sugarplum.

CHORUS

Tell him! Tell him! Tell him about you and Xena!
Courage! Courage! He loves you and isn’t mean... ah!

DAD

Tell me what, Fuzzywuzzy?

GABRIELLE

What ever happened to the days when the chorus wasn’t audible to the players?

XENA

Why am I even in this scene? I haven’t talked for pages.

LILA

You and me both, babe.

GABRIELLE

Daddy... I have something to tell you...

DAD

So I gathered. What is it, Candycane?

GABRIELLE

(indicating)
What is that?

DAD

Our Perdicus shrine. Everyone in Poteidaia has one, only ours is the biggest.

CHORUS

“I sing a song of Perdicus!
The boy I knew, the man I loved!”

XENA

So, Lila, want to see how my chakram works?

LILA

Cool!

GABRIELLE

Xena, you promised!

XENA

(putting chakram away reluctantly)
I’m bored.

GABRIELLE

I’m about to tell my dad that you and I are lovers and you’re *bored*!?!

XENA

Did you mean to say that out loud?

CHORUS

She’s out! She’s out!
So that’s what this’s about!
She’s gay! She’s gay!
What’s her Daddy gonna say?!

DAD

(suddenly grinning)
Welcome to the family, Xena!

CHORUS

Love is a many splendored thing!
Be it love twixt daughter and dad or what a warrior can bring!

DAD

Lila! Take down that blasted Perdicus shrine! Thank the gods we can get rid of that eyesore.

LILA

Will do, Daddy.

DAD

(to Xena)
So... I hear you have medical skills. I’ve always hoped my little girl might marry a healer...

CHORUS

She has many skills!
All good for lots of thrills!

XENA

(innocently, pointing at chorus)
They said it, not me.

GABRIELLE

Oh, right.

MOM

C’mon all -- supper!

PAPÁ

Hey honey! Guess what? Our little girl is engaged!

MOM

(very excited)
Who’s the lucky fella?

PAPÁ

Xena!

MOM

Oh how lovely!
(getting teary-eyed)
My little baby -- engaged!

XENA

Did we say anything about being engaged?

DAD

(glaring)
I *assumed* your intentions were honorable.

XENA

Well... yeah, they are, but I wanted to pick the right time.

GABRIELLE

Oh Xena! Does this mean...?

XENA

Yeah. Willya?

GABRIELLE

Oh yes!

CHORUS

Why do birds suddenly appear?
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be,
close to you...

DAD

Looks like we’re going to have to get another fatted lamb, dear.

MOM

Good thing they’re on sale this week.
(re: Xena and Gabrielle)
Oh! don’t they make an adorable couple!

XENA

See? I told you everything would work out okay.

GABRIELLE

Yeah, you did. Mom, Dad, I’m sorry I doubted you.

CHORUS

I love a happy ending!
A family that is blending!
Xena and Gabrielle
will soon hear a wedding bell!

MOM

Xena, why don’t you carve?

CHORUS

Pass the mint jelly!
There’s a rumbling in my belly!
Fatted lamb’s my favorite dish!
It’s yummy and delish!

XENA

(to chorus)
You guys are really starting to annoy me.

CHORUS

We’re sorry, but we’re starving!
Please hurry with your carving!

GABRIELLE

No! C’mon, Xena, you promised!

CORO

We’re gonna die!
And that’s no lie!
Unless the bard
can save our lard!

XENA

(to Gabrielle, swallowing)
Anything for you, Chimpycheeks.

GABRIELLE

(to chorus)
“Save our lard?” Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped her...

CHORUS

We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you’re outta luck!

DAD

So, Xena, tell me about your financial portfolio. And do either of you plan on being artificially inseminated? I’ve
always wanted grandkids.

MOM

Xena, you aren’t planning to wear leather to the wedding are you?

DAD

About this whole warlord thing, what’s up with that?

MOM

Gabrielle, we simply must talk seating charts.

DAD

Have you bought her a ring?

MOM

We’re going to need invitations, a caterer, flowers, rent a hall -- oh, there’s so much to do!

DAD

Are you into sports, Xena? I’ve always wanted my daughter’s mate to be into sports, like me. We could go to the games together.

MOM

I heard that the cottage two doors down is up for sale!! We could be neighbors!

CHORUS

(their mouths full of lamb)
Uh-oh ’irls! ’ere ’omes drouble!
’edder ’eave -- on th’ double!