XENA

This is such a stupid idea.

GABRIELLE

It’s not stupid. It’s the right thing to do. Besides, you saw how easy it went with my family. Your mom’ll be a snap.

XENA

My mom has been through enough. I was a bloodthirsty warlord. I got half our village killed fighting Cortese. And when Callisto was in my body, she tried to burn everyone in Amphipolis -- especially mom... This is not someone who needs any more shocks.

GABRIELLE

This will be *good* news, Xena. Her daughter is getting married! Your mom will want to celebrate!

XENA

Uh huh.

CHORUS

Just knock! Just knock!
Let your mom undo the lock!
She’ll cheer! You’re here!
Then she’ll offer us a beer!

XENA

(to chorus)
How many times do I have to tell you idiots -- GO HOME!!!!

CHORUS

No way! No way!
We’re here and going to stay!
Now tell Cyrene you’re gay!

GABRIELLE

Just ignore them. C’mon, let’s go in.

CYRENE

Xena?
(to one of the drunks)
Quick! Everyone run for the hills! We’re under attack again!

XENA

No, mom, this is just a social visit.

CYRENE

(suspicious)
Oh?
(looks around)
Then why are you here with an army?

CHORUS

We’re not an army, Lovely Lass.
We’re a chorus, hoping to get drunk off our ass.

CYRENE

Now, that’s my kinda chorus. Belly up to the bar, boys! What’ll ya have?

GABRIELLE

Um... hi, Xena’s mom. May I call you that?

CYRENE

No.

GABRIELLE

Ah. Well, I guess you didn’t see me here when I came in. I’m Gabrielle. Remember me?

CYRENE

(searching her memory)
The sidekick, right?

GABRIELLE

Well, not just a sidekick--

CYRENE

(dismissively)
Whatever.
(to the chorus)
What’ll it be?

CHORUS

Wine! And ale!
By the bucket and the pail!
Port! And beer!
Bring the keg right over here!
Malt! And Gin!
Let the guzzling now begin!

CYRENE

Enthusiastic, aren’t you? I like that in a chorus.

XENA

So, how’ve ya been, Mom?

CYRENE

Oh, pretty good. Finally got the new plaque from the Chamber of Commerce. We now seat 37 within fire codes!

XENA

That’s great.

CYRENE

How about you?

XENA

Oh, the usual. Died, ate ambrosia, came back to life, you know how it is.

CYRENE

That’s nice, dear.

CHORUS

She has news! Something to say!
She’s so happy -- we’d call her gay!

XENA

(sotto voce to chorus)
Shut up! I’ll tell her in my own time.

CHORUS

(whispering)
Our mistake, Warrior.
We couldn’t be sorrier.

XENA

(to herself)
You can say that again.

CHORUS

We suck! We suck--

XENA

I know, I know, if I want poetry I’m outta luck. Enough already. Get a new tagline.

CHORUS

We stink! We stink!
How’s about another drink?

GABRIELLE

You know, Cyrene -- may I call you that?

CYRENE

No.

GABRIELLE

Ah. Well, I just wanted to say that I’ve become much more than a sidekick. For instance, I’m an Amazon Queen now.

CYRENE

No discounts for royalty. There are too many ways to get a title nowadays. Isn’t that so, Warrior *Princess*?

XENA

Lay off, Mom. I told you -- it’s a forged in battle thing. No one thinks I’m actually a princess.

CYRENE

I’m just not keen on being called the queen mother or something. I have to keep my air of youth and vitality in case some good- looking stranger wants to take me away from all this.
(to a member of the chorus)
That’s three dinars. No credit.

CHORUS

We’ll pay! Run a tab!
And this Merlot is simply fab!
It’s fruity yet suissant
--a taste that’s au courant!

XENA

Perfect. They’re not just horrendous poets, they’re also a bunch of snobby winos.

GABRIELLE

(mumbling to herself)
I wasn’t trying to get free drinks, just wanted you to know I was more than a sidekick, that’s all.

CYRENE

So what are you really here for, Xena? You have some news? What is it?

XENA

Oh, it’ll keep. So... how’s Toris?

CYRENE

It’s almost like he doesn’t exist. I never see him.

GABRIELLE

May I have a glass of water?

CYRENE

Three dinars.

GABRIELLE

For water?

CYRENE

It’s got bubbles in it.

XENA

Gimme something strong.

CYRENE

Three dinars.

XENA

That’s my mom.

CHORUS

More ale! More ale!
We’re feeling rather pale!
More booze! More booze!
We’ve nothing left to lose!

CYRENE

I’m going to have to go into the back. My keg is dry.

CHORUS

Her keg is dry!
We’re gonna cry!

CYRENE

Finish your port and don’t whine!
(realizing)
Hey, I made a funny.

CHORUS

Your wit is bright,
our eyes are blurry.
Ale heals sight --
so dammit -- hurry!

CYRENE

Touchy, aren’t they? Keep an eye on things, Xena.

XENA

Yeah, okay, Mom.

GABRIELLE

Why didn’t you tell her?

XENA

I’ve changed my mind.

GABRIELLE

You can’t change your mind! You want her at the wedding, right?

XENA

I dunno...

GABRIELLE

She’s your mom! She has to be there! I know you love her.

XENA

Yeah, of course I do.

GABRIELLE

So just tell her. She’ll understand.

XENA

I don’t know how to go about it.

GABRIELLE

I know! Tell her you’re thinking of becoming a warlord again. Then when she gets all upset say you changed your mind and pop the news. She’ll be so happy you aren’t a warlord, marrying me will seem great!

XENA

What -- do you write for sitcoms or something? That’s a terrible idea.

GABRIELLE

(miffed)
Well, at least I’m trying.

XENA

Yeah, trying my patience.

CHORUS

We’ll help! We’ll hint!
Be the pyrite to our flint!

XENA

(dangerously close to losing it)
You may not be lying about me becoming a warlord again -- and these clowns will be my first victims!

CYRENE

Ale for everyone! Three dinars a mug!

CHORUS

How dry I am! How wet I’ll be!
If Cyrene will pour -- an ale for me!

GABRIELLE

I notice she lets *them* call her Cyrene...

XENA

Mom, I’m marrying Gabrielle. Want to come to the wedding?

CYRENE

(shocked)
What????

XENA

You heard me.

CYRENE

Oh, this can’t be! Please tell me you’re lying.

XENA

(unsure)
Did I mention I was thinking of becoming a warlord again?

CYRENE

(pointing at Gabrielle)
Her? You’re marrying her? A bloody sidekick?

XENA

(dangerous)
Yeah. Gonna make something of it?

CYRENE

I certainly will! Why... there are so many lovely local girls you could marry! What about that nice Merolkia? She was pretty -- and smart, too! So good with cyphers. Or Pettruka! I heard she’s an oracle now. Nice temple, good hours, great benefits package. Or what about Cyvalia? She inherited her father’s pigs. Why she’s knee deep in them -- rich as Croesus!

XENA

I prefer Gabrielle to swine.

GABRIELLE

Um... thanks.
(beat)
I think.

CORO

(drunk)
She’sh nah sho bad... she’sh a bard.
Her absh are ripped and her ash ish hard...

CYRENE

(getting teary)
I had such dreams for you, Xena...
(to a chorus member)
Hey! You on the end -- show me the dinars! Show me the dinars!

XENA

So you gonna come to the wedding or not?

CYRENE

I suppose so...

GABRIELLE

Oh that’s wonderful! Thank you, Mom! May I call you Mom?

CYRENE

No.

GABRIELLE

Ah. I’m sorta running out of choices here. What would *you* like me to call you?

CYRENE

Mrs. Berkowitz.

GABRIELLE

Huh?

CYRENE

It sounds glamorous.

CORO

(on a crying jag)
Nobothy unnershtanns ush...
We try sho hard, bud ish all uselush.

XENA

C’mon, Gabrielle. While the chorus is sleeping it off. Let’s make a break for it.

GABRIELLE

Good plan.

XENA

Bye, Mom. I’ll send you an invitation.

CYRENE

Bye, Xena.

GABRIELLE

Bye, Mrs. Berkowitz.

CYRENE

Don’t call me that.

GABRIELLE

But you said--

XENA

C’mon, Gabrielle! Now!

CYRENE

(praying)
Thank you gods! For letting my Xena find such a sweet, loving girl to spend her life with. My daughter is truly blessed. But mostly, thank you dear gods for letting me finally achieve my goal --
(pure evil)
I’m a mother-in-law!!!