ArgenXena v.2008 - Homenaje argentino a la Princesa Guerrera - Xena: Warrior Princess
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—Déjame preguntarte algo, Gabrielle. ¿Alguna vez Xena pensó en establecerse y casarse?
—No. Le gusta lo que hago.
Hower & Gabrielle, A Day In The Life (2x15)
COMING OUT - THE WEDDING
(June 1997)
By Joanna Sandsmark
jsandsmark[at]gmail[at]com
FADE IN:
INT. SMALL CHANGING ROOM - DAY
Gabrielle is in her wedding gown. Her mom is there, as well as Lila who is dressed in a hideous bridesmaid outfit of bilious green carpet. Half of the Greek chorus is stuffed into the corner, trying to look inconspicuous. Mom is putting the finishing touches on Gabrielle’s hair and veil.
MOM
Now don’t be nervous, Chimpycheeks. Everything is going to be all right. The High Priestess of Demeter has a copy of the vows you both wrote, and I’ve given her all the instructions she needs.
GABRIELLE
Thanks, Mom. Didn’t Xena look beautiful last night at the rehearsal dinner?
MOM
She’s a looker, but you’re even cuter, cuz you’re my little Pussycakes -- aren’t ya?
(she tickles Gabrielle)
Aren’t ya? Aren’t ya?
GABRIELLE
(giggling)
Cut it out, Mom! I’m nervous enough.
CHORUS
Don’t fear! My dear!
Xena loves you, that is clear!
GABRIELLE
(to chorus, smiling)
That was sweet! See, I knew there was a reason I told Xena not to kill you.
CHORUS
We’re here! To cheer!
The wedding of a queer!
GABRIELLE
Okay, not so sweet anymore. Get out.
The chorus looks chagrined but stays.
LILA
My dress itches.
GABRIELLE
Deal with it.
LILA
It makes me look fat.
GABRIELLE
Suck in your cheeks.
LILA
Does Xena have a sister?
GABRIELLE
No, but she has a brother who sorta doesn’t exist any more.
LILA
Cool. That’s how we think of you.
Mom puts the finishing touches on Gabrielle’s veil then stands back. She begins to weep.
MOM
Oh! My babykins is getting married!
GABRIELLE
Don’t cry, Mommy.
MAMÁ
I can’t help it. You’re radiant, Puppychow. Just radiant!
CHORUS
“I sing a song of Perdicus!
The boy I knew, the man I loved!”
MOM
(to chorus)
Shut up, ya freaks! It’s Xena now. She’s the apple of my kittykins’ eye.
CHORUS
I sing a song of Xena!
The bloodthirsty warlord I knew,
the leather-clad butt-kicker I love!
MOM
Much better.
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Cyrene is adjusting the leather strips which hang off Xena’s leather tuxedo jacket. It’s all she’s wearing. Enormous amounts of enhanced cleavage show as well as an endless expanse of tanned, muscled legs. The other half of the chorus cowers in the corner.
XENA
I appreciate your coming, Mom.
CYRENE
Yeah, well, I needed to get away from the tavern.
Xena leans over and sniffs her mother.
XENA
Gods above! Did you bathe?
CYRENE
Too many candles around here. With the amount of liquor my skin absorbs I could spontaneously combust like that!
Cyrene snaps her fingers and a tiny flame erupts. She blows it out casually.
XENA
Good thinking, Sparky.
CHORUS
Burn baby burn! Cyrene inferno!
Burn baby burn! She smells just like sterno!
XENA
(to chorus, dangerous)
What did I tell you?
CHORUS
We’ll die! This time!
If we dare to speak in rhyme!
XENA
And, what did you just do?
CORO
(small)
Oops...
Cyrene surveys her daughter, taking the attention away from the doomed chorus.
CYRENE
Need any more padding?
XENA
No, I think I’m pretty much at peak capacity.
CYRENE
Okay, see ya out there then.
XENA
Yeah. Seeya.
Cyrene exits. Xena glares at the chorus who silently slink away. Alone now, Xena looks at herself in the mirror one last time. Quickly, she grabs her breast dagger and stuffs it in her cleavage. Then she attaches her chakram and fits her sword on her back.
XENA
(cont’d)
Now I’m ready for a wedding.
CUT TO:
INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - DAY
The Greek Chorus, reunited, is milling around. The assembled guests are all familiar faces. Many of them look like identical twins, which no one finds odd. David and an anonymous centaur hang out together, Cupid and Caesar chat, Princess Diana, Meg, Lyla and an Amazon enforcer whisper in the corner, Ephiny and some French lady giggle, etc. Cyrene takes her place near the front. On the other side is Mom, who weeps loudly.
Suddenly the chorus files up to the front as Xena enters from the side. She nervously adjusts her chakram. Hercules, dressed in a bilious green tuxedo, stands next to her. The chorus begins to play the Wedding March on pan flutes as Lila walks slowly up the aisle. Then Gabrielle appears at the back of the temple. They put away their flutes and sing.
CHORUS
One! Singular sensation,
every little move she makes.
Gabrielle, on her Dad’s arm, walks down the aisle.
CHORUS
(cont’d)
One! Bardly irritation,
with every French accent she fakes!
The Chorus pull out their pan flutes again to play an interlude.
ANGLE ON
Miss Artyphis whispering to Salmoneus.
MISS ARTYPHIS
I just adored “Aristophanes’ Chorus Line”, didn’t you? Saw it in Athens when it opened. Spectacular costumes --
and the dancing! To die for!
SALMONEUS
I made a mint off the tunic sales. Ah, those were good times.
Salmoneus sniffles, remembering.
MISS ARTYPHIS
Oh, I always cry at weddings! You’re my kind of man!
Miss Artyphis comforts Salmoneus as they both shed a tear.
BACK TO SCENE
Gabrielle and Dad arrive at the altar.
HIGH PRIESTESS
We are gathered here in the temple of Demeter to sing praises--
CHORUS
Praises!
HIGH PRIESTESS
--to our goddess, as she blesses the joining of the two women who stand before me. Marriage is a covenant not to be entered into lightly...
CHORUS
Think twice! Think thrice!
If your marriage sucks life won’t be nice!
Xena glares at the chorus, then, with a jerk of her chest, launches her breast dagger. It pins one of the chorus members to the wall. Message received, they stop chanting.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Who here shall giveth away--
(looks blank for a minute)
--the... uh... short chick?
DAD
I do. Love ya, Puddin’ Pop.
Dad kisses Gabrielle then puts her hand in Xena’s.
CHORUS
One! Singular sensation
every little move she makes!
One! Clean decapitation
with every head that she breaks!
Xena again glares at the chorus, dangerously. They continue, despite this. They’re not a very bright chorus.
CHORUS
She says it’s all in the past
but we are.. not... sure...
She says she’s heroically cast --
are her mo-tives pure?
They whip out their pan flutes again and begin to do a high kicking dance as they play. Xena grabs her chakram and throws it.
It bounces off the altar, around the temple, gives a couple haircuts, including a shampoo and rinse, then neatly slices through all the pan flutes before returning to her.
XENA
If I weren’t in such a good mood...
GABRIELLE
It’s okay, Xena. You can beat them senseless at the reception.
XENA
(melting)
Thanks, Chimpycheeks.
HIGH PRIESTESS
(muttering)
All these interruptions. We’ll never get outta here.
(to all)
Okay, moving along. Yadda yadda yadda... if anyone here objects to this joining, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
The chorus takes a big breath as if to speak, but Xena draws her sword. They all smile angelically; silent.
ANGLE ON
A man standing in the back of the temple.
R. J. STEWART
I object!
STEVE SEARS
Sit down, R. J., it’s only a parody.
R. J. STEWART
Ah. Okay, then. As long as everyone remembers that they obviously like men.
BACK TO SCENE
Xena glares at all the guests, her sword twirling menacingly. Callisto stands up, dripping lava.
CALLISTO
I don’t really object, but I love to cause trouble, so okay, I’ll bite.
CHORUS
She bites! She fights!
She’s a favorite of Xenites!
GABRIELLE
Callisto!
(to Xena, intensely)
Teach me how to kill her, Xena.
XENA
Now? In the middle of our wedding?
GABRIELLE
Well... okay, we’ll save it for the honeymoon.
CALLISTO
Tell you what. I withdraw my objection. I’ll just wait until the little girl says something sappy about knowing what love really is or something. Much more dramatic.
GABRIELLE
Ha! Jokes on you -- that scene was cut for time!
CALLISTO
Damn.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Can we please get on with this? I have to preside over a pot luck dinner in an hour and I still haven’t baked my casserole.
CHORUS
She’s pressed for time!
Get on the dime!
Say your vows!
So we can carouse!
HIGH PRIESTESS
Ho-kay. No objections, so yadda yadda, let’s just cut to the chase, shall we? Do you, Xena, take this woman to be your--
GABRIELLE
Wait! I wrote incredibly touching vows about the meaning of love and life with Xena and the future and every detail of how she makes my heart go pittypat!
Callisto stands and readies her sword.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Uh huh. Wasn’t that the scene that was cut for time?
GABRIELLE
No, I have several scenes like that.
HIGH PRIESTESS
So, Xena, did you write vows, too?
XENA
Yeah.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Are they as... *detailed* as hers?
The High Priestess points to a huge pile of scrolls, several feet high.
XENA
Nah.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Good. Okay, people, assume the short chick just said all that sappy stuff about love, ’kay? Your turn, Xena.
Callisto sits down, disconsolately.
ANGLE ON
Steve Sears weeping in the corner. R.J. Stewart comforts him.
STEVE SEARS
But those vows were some of my best stuff!
R. J. STEWART
I know, I know. Don’t worry, we’ll recycle them into another script, I promise.
BACK TO SCENE
The High Priestess hands Xena her vow scroll. Xena unrolls it with great ceremony. She clears her throat.
XENA
(reading)
Ditto.
She hands the scroll back to the High Priestess.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Okay, do you--
GABRIELLE
(to High Priestess)
Hold on a second here, High.
(to Xena)
Ditto? That’s it? Those are the vows you spent endless evenings pouring over at the campfire?
(imitating Xena)
“No, Gaaaabrielllle. I’m too tired. Been working on my vows. I have a headache, Gaaabriellle. From squinting at my vows by firelight.”
CHORUS
She’s miffed! She’s miffed!
I sense there’ll be a rift!
ANGLE ON
R. J. Stewart and Steve Sears.
R. J. STEWART
Hey -- why didn’t we think of that?
STEVE SEARS
Don’t worry, I’m writing it down. You call Rob.
BACK TO SCENE
XENA
Well, I wrote several drafts. But I realized that whatever you said would probably be better -- and more like what I meant.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Work it out after you’re married, Ladies. That’s what most people do.
XENA
Fine with me.
GABRIELLE
Okay, I guess.
Suddenly, from the back of the temple, there’s a huge ruckus. Every warlord Xena has ever fought stands there. Callisto jumps up happily to join them. Velaska twirls in like a tornado.
XENA
Must be time for a commercial break or something.
FADE OUT.
INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE
FADE IN:
INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - CONTINUOUS
For a moment everyone stands at the ready. Then Draco pushes forward.
DRACO
Hi Xena! Hi Gabrielle! Are we late? Got caught in the crosstown foot races.
Callisto slinks back to her seat, disappointed.
XENA
Find a place to sit and be quiet. We’re almost through here.
The warlords ease past several guests, looking for seats.
WARLORDS
Pardon me. Excuse me. Ooops! Sorry about the foot. Hey, neat hat. Pardon me...
When they’re all seated, Xena glances up at the chandelier. Suddenly, she does a somersaulting flip into the air, singing out her warcry.
CHORUS
It’s sabotage! It’s fear we’re feeling!
Happens every time Xena heads toward the ceiling!
Crouching precariously on the chandelier, Xena takes out her fire tools and relights one of the candles. She leaps down.
XENA
Sorry. But good lighting is extremely important.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, your eyes did seem slightly less blue for a minute there.
Xena turns to the High Priestess.
XENA
We’re ready now.
The High Priestess is busy throwing small chunks of chicken into a casserole dish. She looks up, sees that the women are ready.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Yeah? You all set?
XENA
Do it, High.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Gotcha. Do you, Xena, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? To yadda and yadda and all that?
XENA
I do.
HIGH PRIESTESS
Do you, Short Chick, take this woman to whatever?
GABRIELLE
I do.
HIGH PRIESTESS
I now pronounce you married. Kiss each other.
Gabrielle moves to kiss Xena who is suddenly shoved aside by Autolycus. A chakram mysteriously slices across Autolycus’ face, shaving off his moustache.
AUTOLYCUS
Point taken, Xena.
(to R.J.)
I tried.
R. J. STEWART
Oh well...
Autolycus slinks away. Xena takes her place in front of Gabrielle and gives her a long, slow kiss.
CHORUS
They kissed! They kissed!
If you went to the john, look what you missed!
XENA
(to chorus)
They all have VCRs.
CHORUS
Replay! Slo mo!
Discuss each nuance as you go!
The chorus sings the wedding march.
CHORUS
(cont’d)
Na na na-na!
Na na na-na!
Na na na-na na na-na na na-na!
Xena and Gabrielle turn and walk down the aisle together as the guests stand and cheer.
XENA
That went pretty good, I think.
GABRIELLE
Yeah -- who’d have guessed it would go without a hitch?
FADE OUT.
THE END.
Versiones originales en inglés
- COMING OUT
- Xena y Gabrielle visitan Potedia con una gran noticia.
- COMING OUT - PART DEUX
- Xena y Gabrielle llevan las mismas buenas nuevas a Anfípolis.
- COMING OUT - THE WEDDING
- Xena y Gabrielle celebran su unión en una ceremonia muy particular.
- COMING OUT - THE RECEPTION
- Xena y Gabrielle son agasajadas con una fiesta inolvidable.
- COMING OUT - THE HONEYMOON
- Xena y Gabrielle culminan la epopeya en la suite nupcial.
- GABRIELLE’S HOPELESS
- Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Gabrielle’s Hope”.
- THE DEBIT - Part One
- Parodia de “The Debt I”
- THE DEBIT - Part Two
- Parodia de “The Debt II”
- MATERNAL MISTAKES
- Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Maternal Instincts”.
- BITTER TREAT - A MUSICAL PARODY
- Parodia de “The Bitter Suite”.
- RESURRECTION
- Parodia que se desarrolla luego de concluido el episodio “Sacrifice II”.
- DEAD, MY ASH!
- Parodia de “A Friend In Need II”; ideal para quienes no quedaron muy conformes con el final de la serie.
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