BULGARIAN WOMEN

(singing)
Rollinszya’! Rollinszya’!
Rollinszya’ downsk da Reeev-ah!

XENA

(pointing to something on her plate)
What’s this one?

GABRIELLE

Mushki. It’s lamb in grape leaves with olives in a fish paste.

XENA

And this one?

GABRIELLE

Pekris. It’s fish in grape leaves with lamb in an olive sauce.

XENA

And this?

GABRIELLE

Spekros. It’s fish and lamb in grape leave paste with olive oil.

XENA

(looking around)
Where did the chorus go? It’s not like them to miss a chance at making fun of me.

GABRIELLE

They’re mingling. They’ll be back.

XENA

I’m sure they will. Makes me want to kill.
(realizing)
Great. Now they have *me* doing it.

GABRIELLE

Fight the urge, Xena.

XENA

Will do, Chimpycheeks.

GABRIELLE

Stop calling me that.

XENA

(pinching Gabrielle’s cheek)
But it’s so darn cute! Just like you, Pookie.

GABRIELLE

How much have you had to drink?

XENA

I dunno. A flagon or two or twelve. I lost count.

GABRIELLE

(stark terror)
Uh oh...

XENA

Waiter! More wine and keep it coming! And bring me more of that mushki while you’re at it!

HERCULES

Thank you. It’s time for a toast!

CHORUS

A toast for the bride!
Cuz the bride is toasted!
This party has died!
Cuz it’s poorly hosted!

HERCULES

I haven’t even started talking yet.
Give me a chance.

CHORUS

Sorry Herc,
just a quirk.
We anticipate snoring
cuz we find you boring.

XENA

I said I wanted more furkin’ mushki! Hop to it, boys!

CHORUS

(about to say something, then change their minds)
Nah, too easy.
We don’t wanna be cheesy.

HERCULES

As I was saying. I would like to propose a toast to Xena and Gabrielle! Who, even though they obviously like men--

R. J. STEWART

’At’s my boy!

HERCULES

--have found happiness in each others’ arms. May their ratings lag only slightly behind mine forever!

CHORUS

Poor Herc, he’s living in the past.
We knew his lead o’er Xena would never last.

DAD

I’d like to propose a toast to my little girl.
(looks fondly at Gabrielle)
When you married Perdicus, I didn’t think we could possibly be more pleased.

CHORUS

“I sing a song of Perdicus!
The boy I knew, the man I loved!”

DAD

But now, seeing you with Xena, I realize that no man could be more happy and proud than I am tonight. Xena is everything I ever wanted in a son and more!

CHORUS

I sing a song of Xena!
The manipulative, seductress I knew;
the dark, haunted warrior I love!

GABRIELLE

(misty)
Oh Daddy...!

DAD

I mean it, Sweetpea. I’m ’bout ready to bust I’m so thrilled for the both of you.

XENA

I love you, man!

CHORUS

(to Gabrielle)
What’s going on? What’s with her?
Is it henbane? A curse? Did a spell occur?

GABRIELLE

She’s drunk. She gets very... affectionate... when she’s drunk.

CHORUS

(shouting)
Barkeep! Hurry! Xena needs more wine!
We want to be nearby when she’s feeling this fine!

XENA

Let’s dance, my little mushki mouth.

CHORUS

Love... Look at the two of them.
A Warrior and a little bard.
The Moral Majority will say --
they’ll go to hell.
But ratings will swell,
from day to day...
Long live the show.

EPHINY

(to Callisto)
What is it with you, anyway? Why do you hate Xena so?

CALLISTO

She burned my village. Killed my mother and my sister. She created me -- the evil that I am.

R. J. STEWART

Well, technically, that’s not true. *I* created you--

STEVE SEARS

(sotto voce to R.J.)
Ix-nay on the ee-ated-cray...

CALLISTO

(to R.J.)
What are you talking about?

R. J. STEWART

Oh... nothing...

CALLISTO

C’mon, Bright Boy, spill it.

R. J. STEWART

Anyone wanna dance?
(looks at Ephiny)
C’mon, dance with me.

EPHINY

Not unless you have four hooves and a tail.

TYLDUS

I have four hooves and a tail...

EPHINY

Yeah, but you’re my father-in-law. I don’t want to get kinky here.

R. J. STEWART

(to Steve)
Way to go, Sears. You had to make the cute Amazon go for four-leggers.

STEVE SEARS

(to R. J.)
How else are we supposed to get little centaurs?

CALLISTO

(to R. J., maniacally nice)
I’ll dance with you, Sweetums.

STEVE SEARS

(to R. J.)
Dance with your “daughter”, Sweetums.

XENA

I am soooo happy. Happy, happy, happy.

CHORUS

Stop the presses!
This, a mess is!
Xena chuckles, chortles, laughs and maybe wiggles.
But never, no never, does Xena get the giggles!

XENA

(to Gabrielle)
You’re so gorgeous. I’m so lucky. Lucky and happy. Happy and lucky. Happy-go-lucky
(she giggles. Again.)
Happy, happy, happy.

GABRIELLE

(her head in Xena’s cleavage)
Mrphl fphm miffle phrap.

XENA

What did you say, Wonder Digits?

GABRIELLE

(pulling her head out)
I said, it’s great to see you this happy, but maybe you should lay off the flagons a bit. I don’t want you passing out on our wedding night.

XENA

You said all that? Amazing.
(she buries Gabrielle in her cleavage again)
You’re so talented. Let’s toast your talent. Waiter! More wine!

CHORUS

Yoo hoo! Oh happy bri-ide!
Let’s dance, Xena. Shove Gabrielle aside.

XENA

(flattered)
You wanna dance with me? How come?

CHORUS

Cuz we’re great dancers and popular at fests.
And cuz we wanna put our faces between your breasts.

XENA

That is so sweet...

CALLISTO

So... that kinda makes you my daddy?

R. J. STEWART

Not really. Well, kinda, but not really.

CALLISTO

Hmmm... This changes everything. If you’re my daddy, then my entire family wasn’t wiped out. But if that’s true, then I have no purpose anymore. I’m going to have to ask Xena to kill you so I don’t lose my focus. Pardon me.

R. J. STEWART

Hey! Cut it out!

ARES

Why? Thanks to you, *everyone* on the show now likes men.

EPHINY

What makes you say it’ll never work? So what if we worship different gods...

MEG

So what’re you clowns supposed to be?

CHORUS

We’re a chorus! A chorus!
But this wedding’s begun to bore us.

MEG

Yeah? Want me to spice it up?

CHORUS

Oh please! Don’t tease!
We’re begging on our knees!

MEG

What do you want me to do?

CHORUS

Start a fight! All right?
It’ll liven up the night!

MEG

Sorry. You got me confused with Xena over there. I’m a tramp, not a warrior.

CHORUS

A tramp? We’re vexed!
We let her go yet we’re oversexed!

CALLISTO

Xeeena.

XENA

Callisto! How are’ya old buddy?

CALLISTO

Not well. I just found out I have a father. Sorta.

XENA

I’ll drink to that! A toast to your father!

CALLISTO

I want you to kill him.

GABRIELLE

Mie mrd moo phan murr oo moo pha?

CALLISTO

I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t understand.

GABRIELLE

Why would you want her to do that?

CHORUS

Callisto’s hatred is in trouble.
If someone loves her it bursts her bubble.

XENA

Izzat true?

CALLISTO

Dance with me, Xena, and I’ll answer.

XENA

But I’m dancing with Loverlips.

CALLISTO

Just one dance? Pretty please with blood on top?

XENA

Hokay.

LILA

Sidekick, huh? My sister’s a sidekick.

IOLAUS

It’s good work if you can get it.

LILA

Oh, she’s getting it, all right.

CALLISTO

Stop trying to lick me.

XENA

Stop leaning away.

CALLISTO

What’s gotten into you?

XENA

Yer purty.

CALLISTO

Xena! Ordinarily I’d love this, but my new daddy is watching!

R. J. STEWART

I wrote her to *hate* Xena, not dance with her! Oh, kids! Kids! Where did I go wrong?

CHORUS

We’re so confused.
We don’t know who to bug!
Our focus is diffused,
so we’ll have to cut a rug.

HERCULES

Thank you. It’s time for the ceremonial cutting of the cake. Xena and Gabrielle? Would you please come over here?

GABRIELLE

Um... Xena? We’re supposed to cut the cake.

XENA

Huh? Izzat so? Jus’ a sec.

XENA

(cont’d)
Hey, Pookie -- wanna lick m’chakram?

GABRIELLE

I think we’re supposed to stuff cake into each others’ mouths in a traditional attempt at public humiliation.

XENA

Hokay.

XENA

(cont’d)
Mmmmm... fishcake. M’fav’rit.

GABRIELLE

With olive and grape leave frosting -- yum.

CHORUS

Where have all the warlords gone?
Long time passing.
This party is a great big yawn.
Let’s have a fight...

HERCULES

Time to throw the bouquet! Will all the single women please form a group so that Gabrielle can throw her bouquet!

GABRIELLE

Everyone ready?

CALLISTO

Here spriggy spriggy spriggy!

CALLISTO

(cont’d)
You did that on purpose!

GABRIELLE

Did not!

CALLISTO

Did so!

GABRIELLE

Not!

CALLISTO

So!

CHORUS

It’s a fight! You made our night!
Watch out Gabby, for Blondie’s bite!
Oh joyous day! How very gay!
Two chicks wrestling ’round that way!

HERCULES

All the single men! Get ready for
Xena to throw her garter!

GABRIELLE

Thanks, Xena. She bites.

XENA

C’lishto an’ I have sho mush in comm’n.

XENA

(unsheathing her sword)
We’re unner attack!

GABRIELLE

Wait! Don’t--

XENA

Take th’phillage!

LILA

What’s a phillage?

IOLAUS

I dunno. Maybe her accent is slipping.

CHORUS

Let’s run! Let’s run!
The blood bath has begun!

GABRIELLE

XENA

We bedder go, then. Hey Eph’ny! Shtop kissing m’horse!

GABRIELLE

I think I’d better go in front.

XENA

Non’snce. I’ll drive.

GABRIELLE

Brides don’t let brides drive drunk.

XENA

Yer sho good’t’me, Chimpycheeks. Lesh go! Hyah!