—Xena, las dos tuvimos nuestra cuota de desengaños, pero no puedes renunciar al amor.
—¿Quién está renunciando? Sólo digo que raramente resulta de la manera en que te lo esperas.
Gabrielle & Xena, A Comedy Of Eros (2x22)
There is a huge buffet table at one end of the room with a beautiful ice sculpture of Xena and Gabrielle. Mounds of exotic dishes are available. A gigantic multi-tiered wedding cake is on display at one end of the hall. There is a five piece band and a dance floor. The band is playing “Proud Maryus” using a zither, pan flute, lyre, Amazon drums and a bagpipe-like instrument. Several Bulgarian women stand to the side doing vocals. Dining tables are packed into the rest of the room. At the head of the room is a long table for the bridal party.
Rollinszya’ downsk da Reeev-ah!
Xena and Gabrielle sit at the head table, eating. Several guests at the tables in the back stare disconsolately at them, as they know it will never be their turn for food.
(pointing to something on her plate)
What’s this one?
Mushki. It’s lamb in grape leaves with olives in a fish paste.
And this one?
Pekris. It’s fish in grape leaves with lamb in an olive sauce.
Spekros. It’s fish and lamb in grape leave paste with olive oil.
Where did the chorus go? It’s not like them to miss a chance at making fun of me.
They’re mingling. They’ll be back.
I’m sure they will. Makes me want to kill.
Great. Now they have *me* doing it.
Fight the urge, Xena.
Will do, Chimpycheeks.
Stop calling me that.
(pinching Gabrielle’s cheek)
But it’s so darn cute! Just like you, Pookie.
How much have you had to drink?
I dunno. A flagon or two or twelve. I lost count.
Waiter! More wine and keep it coming! And bring me more of that mushki while you’re at it!
Xena chows down on mushki, downing several more flagons of wine in the process. The chorus quietly files up to stand behind the head table. Hercules stands up and taps his spoon on his mug. The hall falls silent.
Thank you. It’s time for a toast!
A toast for the bride!
Cuz the bride is toasted!
This party has died!
Cuz it’s poorly hosted!
I haven’t even started talking yet.
Give me a chance.
just a quirk.
We anticipate snoring
cuz we find you boring.
I said I wanted more furkin’ mushki! Hop to it, boys!
(about to say something, then change their minds)
Nah, too easy.
We don’t wanna be cheesy.
As I was saying. I would like to propose a toast to Xena and Gabrielle! Who, even though they obviously like men--
Table Two, R.J. Stewart.
’At’s my boy!
--have found happiness in each others’ arms. May their ratings lag only slightly behind mine forever!
Poor Herc, he’s living in the past.
We knew his lead o’er Xena would never last.
Dad stands up, clearing his throat.
I’d like to propose a toast to my little girl.
(looks fondly at Gabrielle)
When you married Perdicus, I didn’t think we could possibly be more pleased.
“I sing a song of Perdicus!
The boy I knew, the man I loved!”
But now, seeing you with Xena, I realize that no man could be more happy and proud than I am tonight. Xena is everything I ever wanted in a son and more!
I sing a song of Xena!
The manipulative, seductress I knew;
the dark, haunted warrior I love!
I mean it, Sweetpea. I’m ’bout ready to bust I’m so thrilled for the both of you.
Xena stands up and swaggers toward Dad. A hush falls across the room. Then she grabs him in a bear hug.
I love you, man!
What’s going on? What’s with her?
Is it henbane? A curse? Did a spell occur?
She’s drunk. She gets very... affectionate... when she’s drunk.
Barkeep! Hurry! Xena needs more wine!
We want to be nearby when she’s feeling this fine!
Gabrielle readies her staff to keep the chorus away from Xena when the bard is suddenly grabbed from behind by her wife.
Let’s dance, my little mushki mouth.
Everyone clears the floor so the happy couple can have their first dance. Xena grabs Gabrielle’s head and buries it in her cleavage, then puts her hands on the bard’s butt and begins to sway as the band plays “For All We Know”. The chorus shoves the Bulgarian ladies aside and sings.
Love... Look at the two of them.
A Warrior and a little bard.
The Moral Majority will say --
they’ll go to hell.
But ratings will swell,
from day to day...
Long live the show.
Sitting at one of the tables is Tyldus, Ephiny, Steve Sears, R. J. Stewart, Callisto and a Maori bit player. Callisto has made a sculpture of Xena out of her mushki and is busy sticking her knife in it repeatedly.
What is it with you, anyway? Why do you hate Xena so?
She burned my village. Killed my mother and my sister. She created me -- the evil that I am.
Well, technically, that’s not true. *I* created you--
(sotto voce to R.J.)
Ix-nay on the ee-ated-cray...
What are you talking about?
C’mon, Bright Boy, spill it.
Anyone wanna dance?
(looks at Ephiny)
C’mon, dance with me.
Not unless you have four hooves and a tail.
I have four hooves and a tail...
Yeah, but you’re my father-in-law. I don’t want to get kinky here.
Way to go, Sears. You had to make the cute Amazon go for four-leggers.
(to R. J.)
How else are we supposed to get little centaurs?
(to R. J., maniacally nice)
I’ll dance with you, Sweetums.
(to R. J.)
Dance with your “daughter”, Sweetums.
Before he can protest, R. J. is swept onto the dance floor by Callisto. Soon they’re joined by others. Mom and Dad dance. Cyrene grabs Steve Sears. Hercules tangos with Iolaus. Ephiny dances with Argo. Tyldus dances with Meg. Diana dances with Philamon. Miss Artyphis with Salmoneus. Ares with Lila.
Xena and Gabrielle.
I am soooo happy. Happy, happy, happy.
Stop the presses!
This, a mess is!
Xena chuckles, chortles, laughs and maybe wiggles.
But never, no never, does Xena get the giggles!
You’re so gorgeous. I’m so lucky. Lucky and happy. Happy and lucky. Happy-go-lucky
(she giggles. Again.)
Happy, happy, happy.
(her head in Xena’s cleavage)
Mrphl fphm miffle phrap.
What did you say, Wonder Digits?
(pulling her head out)
I said, it’s great to see you this happy, but maybe you should lay off the flagons a bit. I don’t want you passing out on our wedding night.
You said all that? Amazing.
(she buries Gabrielle in her cleavage again)
You’re so talented. Let’s toast your talent. Waiter! More wine!
Yoo hoo! Oh happy bri-ide!
Let’s dance, Xena. Shove Gabrielle aside.
You wanna dance with me? How come?
Cuz we’re great dancers and popular at fests.
And cuz we wanna put our faces between your breasts.
That is so sweet...
The chorus offers Xena another flagon of wine.
Callisto and R. J.
So... that kinda makes you my daddy?
Not really. Well, kinda, but not really.
Hmmm... This changes everything. If you’re my daddy, then my entire family wasn’t wiped out. But if that’s true, then I have no purpose anymore. I’m going to have to ask Xena to kill you so I don’t lose my focus. Pardon me.
Callisto leaves R. J. quaking on the dance floor as she heads toward Xena and Gabrielle to cut in. Ares approaches R.J. and starts to dance with him.
Hey! Cut it out!
Why? Thanks to you, *everyone* on the show now likes men.
Ephiny dancing with Argo.
What makes you say it’ll never work? So what if we worship different gods...
Meg, who walks over to talk to the chorus.
So what’re you clowns supposed to be?
We’re a chorus! A chorus!
But this wedding’s begun to bore us.
Yeah? Want me to spice it up?
Oh please! Don’t tease!
We’re begging on our knees!
What do you want me to do?
Start a fight! All right?
It’ll liven up the night!
Sorry. You got me confused with Xena over there. I’m a tramp, not a warrior.
Meg walks away, the chorus all slap their foreheads in unison.
A tramp? We’re vexed!
We let her go yet we’re oversexed!
Callisto plowing her way through the chorus to face Xena and Gabrielle.
Callisto! How are’ya old buddy?
Not well. I just found out I have a father. Sorta.
I’ll drink to that! A toast to your father!
I want you to kill him.
Mie mrd moo phan murr oo moo pha?
I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t understand.
Gabrielle pulls her head out of Xena’s cleavage with a whoosh.
Why would you want her to do that?
Callisto’s hatred is in trouble.
If someone loves her it bursts her bubble.
Dance with me, Xena, and I’ll answer.
But I’m dancing with Loverlips.
Just one dance? Pretty please with blood on top?
Xena lets go of Gabrielle and grabs Callisto. They begin to waltz.
Lila, now dancing with Iolaus.
Sidekick, huh? My sister’s a sidekick.
It’s good work if you can get it.
Oh, she’s getting it, all right.
Xena and Callisto, dancing.
Stop trying to lick me.
Stop leaning away.
What’s gotten into you?
Xena! Ordinarily I’d love this, but my new daddy is watching!
R. J. Stewart.
I wrote her to *hate* Xena, not dance with her! Oh, kids! Kids! Where did I go wrong?
The chorus, now all dancing with each other.
We’re so confused.
We don’t know who to bug!
Our focus is diffused,
so we’ll have to cut a rug.
Hercules is near the cake, banging on the cup again. Everyone gives him their attention.
Thank you. It’s time for the ceremonial cutting of the cake. Xena and Gabrielle? Would you please come over here?
Xena is dancing with Gabrielle again. A multitude of flagons sit nearby, empty. Xena is way past just affectionate.
Um... Xena? We’re supposed to cut the cake.
Huh? Izzat so? Jus’ a sec.
Xena grabs her chakram and throws it. It zips around the great hall into the cake, slicing it completely into neat little guest-sized pieces then returns to Xena. She holds it up, frosting covering it.
Hey, Pookie -- wanna lick m’chakram?
I think we’re supposed to stuff cake into each others’ mouths in a traditional attempt at public humiliation.
They walk over to Hercules, and proceed to shove cake into each others’ faces.
Mmmmm... fishcake. M’fav’rit.
With olive and grape leave frosting -- yum.
The band begins to play. The chorus sings.
Where have all the warlords gone?
Long time passing.
This party is a great big yawn.
Let’s have a fight...
Draco and the warlords, who were seated at the last table still haven’t been called to get their food. They weakly grab for their table knives but haven’t the strength to lift them. They all pass out en masse.
Time to throw the bouquet! Will all the single women please form a group so that Gabrielle can throw her bouquet!
The women comply. Callisto stands in front, elbowing women out of the way until she is there alone. Gabrielle has her back turned, some lovely wildflower sprigs in her hand.
Here spriggy spriggy spriggy!
Gabrielle whips the bouquet behind her. It hits Callisto in the eye, bounces off and is caught by Miss Artyphis.
You did that on purpose!
Gabrielle and Callisto run at each other and have a cat fight, rolling around on the ground, pulling hair, biting, scratching, etc.
It’s a fight! You made our night!
Watch out Gabby, for Blondie’s bite!
Oh joyous day! How very gay!
Two chicks wrestling ’round that way!
All the single men! Get ready for
Xena to throw her garter!
The men give the two fighting women wide berth and line up. Xena puts one long leg up on a chair, slowly removes her garter, smiling seductively, then turns her back to the guys. She throws the garter in front of her. It careens off several walls, decorations, and furniture, hits Callisto, knocking her out cold until it finally is caught by Miss Artyphis. Gabrielle staggers over to Xena.
Thanks, Xena. She bites.
C’lishto an’ I have sho mush in comm’n.
The guests are lined up outside waiting for the bride and bride to leave for their honeymoon. Xena staggers out, propped up by Gabrielle and followed by the chorus. Argo is waiting patiently, sandals and empty flagons tied to her tail. Ephiny is whispering sweet nothings in the horse’s ear.
Xena and Gabrielle lurch past the guests who throw chunks of nutbread at the happy couple.
(unsheathing her sword)
We’re unner attack!
What’s a phillage?
I dunno. Maybe her accent is slipping.
Let’s run! Let’s run!
The blood bath has begun!
Xena stops slashing the guests.
We bedder go, then. Hey Eph’ny! Shtop kissing m’horse!
Ephiny slinks away. Hercules helps Xena climb onto Argo.
I think I’d better go in front.
Non’snce. I’ll drive.
Brides don’t let brides drive drunk.
Chastened, Xena hands Gabrielle the reins.
Yer sho good’t’me, Chimpycheeks. Lesh go! Hyah!
Argo lurches into a gallop, causing Xena to fly off. She spins in the air, runs along the guests’ heads then leaps back into the saddle. The newlyweds ride off into the night as we:
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