XENA

Remember what I told you -- under no circumstances are you to let a large group of Poteidaian villagers anywhere near our room.

BELLHOP

Got it. You can count on me, your ex-warlordship.

GABRIELLE

Oh look, Xena! A hot tub! This place is amazing!

XENA

I’m so glad you like it. It’s the deluxe honeymoon suite. I spared no expense, thanks to our seemingly inexhaustible supply of dinars.

GABRIELLE

It’s magnificent!

XENA

As are you, Gabrielle. You’re so beautiful.

GABRIELLE

Thank you, Xena. And you take my breath away. That tux is stunning, what there is of it. I can’t wait to get it off you.

CHORUS

(O. S.)
Hey Xena! Gabrielle!
Can you hear us if we yell?

XENA

How many times do I have to tell you idiots to get lost? We’re on our honeymoon for Aphrodite’s sake!

GABRIELLE

It’s my wedding night! I can’t have all my old neighbors watching me on my wedding night! Xena, please, KILL THE FURKIN’ CHORUS!

XENA

(to chorus)
She’s a little testy. We haven’t, that is, we held off for awhile to make this night kinda special.

CHORUS

Make it special! Make it great!
Invite us in to celebrate!
We’ll help out!
Without a doubt!
But we’ll go hoarse if we have to shout!

GABRIELLE

Hmmm... There’s our answer, Xena! They’ll all go hoarse and we’ll be alone. C’mon, let’s get in the hot tub.

XENA

I’m right behind you.

CHORUS

But wait! We’re not dopes!
We bought you fancy, fish-shaped soaps!
Oh please! We have many knacks --
we’ll give massages as we wash your backs!

XENA

Oooh, steamy!

GABRIELLE

How’s your head?

XENA

Fine. I drank enough cups of that stuff made from the brown beans to kill off the wine.

GABRIELLE

I’m glad you had those beans with you. Where did you get them?

BULGARIAN WOMEN

(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara...

XENA

Ten winters ago, my army was attacked by--

GABRIELLE

Hold on just a minute.

XENA

What?

GABRIELLE

Did everything happen to you ten winters ago?

XENA

It was a big winter.

GABRIELLE

But what about maybe five winters ago? Nothing happened?

XENA

Just miscellaneous warlord stuff. Not worth mentioning.

GABRIELLE

Seven winters ago?

XENA

Same old, same old.

GABRIELLE

Uh huh. But ten winters ago you defended Amphipolis from Cortese, became a warlord, fought the Horde, had a kid, burned Cyrra, had about fifty affairs, met Caesar, got engaged, fought the centaurs, fought the battle of Corinth -- Stop me anytime...

XENA

No, it all happened. Ten winters ago. Big, big winter.

GABRIELLE

It’s funny. I never questioned your being able to leap up the side of a fifty foot tree, but I’m finding this ’ten winters ago’ thing hard to swallow. Oh well. Finish your story about
the beans.

BULGARIAN WOMEN

(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara
Tova rasbi duha I
Da ia ubie...

XENA

Ten winters ago my army was attacked by a ship from the west. It came out of the rising sun and--

GABRIELLE

Just a second here...

XENA

What now?

GABRIELLE

The sun rises in the east. Sets in the west. So it came out of the setting sun.

XENA

No, it was a rising sun. Things were different back then. Ten winters ago, the sun rose in the west and set in the east.

GABRIELLE

Uh huh. And when did things change to the present pattern?

XENA

Ten summers ago.

GABRIELLE

Of course. Go on with your story.

BULGARIAN WOMEN

(singing as under)
Pozora ia izgori povetche
Ot hiliada udara
Tova rasbi duha I
Da ia ubie
Ia pravi po silna, po silna...

XENA

Ten winters ago my army was attacked by a ship from the west. It came out of the rising sun and on it were people who looked strange and spoke in a language unknown to any in our world--

GABRIELLE

Hate to interrupt again, but...

XENA

For crying out loud, Gabrielle. Now what?

GABRIELLE

Sorry. Just wanted to check on something.

GABRIELLE

Okay -- everybody out. We just got rid of one chorus, we don’t need another. Besides, coming out of the closet is good for you. I know it did me a world of good.

GABRIELLE

Okay, Xena, please continue.

XENA

(mumbling)
Let’s see... Ten winters, mysterious ship, out of the west, rising sun -- ah! Okay, got it.

XENA

(cont’d)
These strange, foreign people carried with them the miracle brown beans which, when ground and boiled in water, had many arcane effects. I conquered these strangers from a strange land and took their beans, knowing that with them I possessed a power unimaginable. Unfortunately, the warlord Starbukus found out and—

XENA

(cont’d)
Now what???

GABRIELLE

Who’s there?

BELLHOP

It’s me! The luggage-carrying person!

XENA

What in--!
(to bellhop, dangerously)
I told you not to let them near us.

BELLHOP

Oh, were *these* the Poteidaian villagers you were talking about? I thought you meant the *other* Poteidaian villagers.

XENA

What other Poteidaian villagers?

CHORUS

We lied! We lied!
He seemed real stupid so we tried!

BELLHOP

Hey!

CHORUS

No lip! No lip!
That’s why we gave you that big tip!

BELLHOP

Oh, right. Forgot.
(holds up a heavy bag of dinars)
Yeah, I’m *real* stupid, all right...

CHORUS

Great room! So deluxe!
The closet they gave us really sucks!

GABRIELLE

So you were in the closet, too? Must be something going around...

XENA

I don’t give a minotaur’s ass what your accommodations are. You’re not staying here.

CHORUS

Xena, no! Don’t make us go!
We’ll be real quiet, we’ll lay low!

GABRIELLE

You? Quiet? Ha!

CHORUS

Look who’s talking!
A bard who’s always squawking!

GABRIELLE

Look, you. I don’t squawk, got that? And FYI -- I don’t whine or giggle, either, so I’m certainly not going to squawk! It would be sooo out of character. Why, no one would ever take me seriously again. So no more talk of squawking!

CHORUS

Chill out, Gab! We have no talent.
It’s hard to rhyme ’talk’ so don’t get all bent.

GABRIELLE

Walk. Balk. Hawk--

XENA

Uh, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE

Gawk-- Yeah, Xena?

XENA

Shouldn’t we be figuring out how to get rid of them, as opposed to giving them pointers on their poetry?

GABRIELLE

Oh. Right.
(to chorus)
Buy a thesaurus and look up ways to say goodbye.

CHORUS

Ooooh, how effective!
Such vituperative invective!

XENA

Maybe if we don’t pay any attention to them they’ll get bored and go bug some other newlywed-female-warrior/bard combo.

GABRIELLE

Worth a shot.

XENA

Funny. This isn’t exactly how I pictured our honeymoon.

GABRIELLE

It’s close. I did see us in a beautiful room and we were both soapy, wet and naked. I just hadn’t foreseen all my old neighbors circling us like middle-aged voyeurs.

CHORUS

(staring lasciviously)
We’re closing our eyes!
We can’t see at all!
Feel free to rise,
making sparkling droplets fall...

XENA

All right, I’ve had it. Enough’s enough!

GABRIELLE

What are you going to do?

XENA

First, I’m going to make sure everyone sees my bare back. Then I’m going to wring my hair out in slow motion. And when I’m done with that, I’m going to go on a murderous rampage, killing everyone in the room who isn’t named Gabrielle.

XENA

(cont’d)
Okaaaaay... Time for Plan B.

CHORUS

Oh my! Oh me!
She has a Plan B!
Wish we’d thought of that before we changed things legally!

GABRIELLE

Explain the burning weed thing again?

XENA

All right.
(pained and intense)
Ten winters ago, my army was attacked by a ship that came--

GABRIELLE

On second thought, let’s save that story for another time.

XENA

Wanna know where tomatoes came from?

GABRIELLE

Does it have anything to do with being attacked by a strange ship ten winters ago?

XENA

Oddly enough it does...

GABRIELLE

We’ll save that one, too.

XENA

How about corn? Want to hear about corn?

GABRIELLE

You do know how to sweet-talk a girl on her honeymoon, but no thanks.

XENA

Just checking.

GABRIELLE

(re: chorus)
They’re awfully well behaved, aren’t they?

XENA

Plan B always works.

CHORUS

This one’s from Atyminius!
Dear gods it’s simply hideous!

CHORUS

(cont’d)
The next one says “from Ephiny” -- of course!
It’s a negligee for Xena’s horse!

GABRIELLE

Do you think we’ll ever get rid of them?

XENA

Yeah. The last gift is boobytrapped. It’ll wipe them off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again.

GABRIELLE

Really? How do you know? I mean, the gifts were meant for us -- who’d want to get rid of us forever?

XENA

Someone who is insanely jealous of the fact we even exist.

GABRIELLE

But who? A warlord? One of the people we’ve fought? Ares? Callisto?

XENA

Nah, think about it.

GABRIELLE

Hercules!

XENA

Yeah, but I got revenge. I substituted henbane for his steroids.

GABRIELLE

That’s what I love about you, Xena. Always thinking.

XENA

Ah, but Chimpycheeks -- you forget! I am first and foremost a woman of action...

CHORUS

Last gift! Last gift!
It’s from Herc --
awwww, and we thought he was miffed!