CHORUS

(singing)
Here’s the story...
of a lovely warlord.
Who was killing, slashing,
burning all the time.
Her favorite god had really weird
and skinny sideburns.
Her life was lived for crime.

CHORUS

(cont’d)
(singing)
Here’s the story...
of a Poteidaian.
Who was young and never really
did fit in.
She wanted to leave
and be a great bard.
(’Fore Perd got short and thin)

CHORUS

(cont’d)
(singing)
Came the one day
when the warlord met the gabber.
And they knew that it was much more
than a guess.
That these two
would somehow form some subtext.
They became two buff chicks
just kicking ass.
They’re kicking ass.
They’re kicking ass.
They became two buff chicks
just kicking ass.

GABRIELLE

What? What is it?

XENA

Did you hear someone, Argo? Because if someone was speaking I didn’t hear her.

GABRIELLE

Argo -- tell her I wasn’t talking to her so she shouldn’t have heard that there was nothing to hear.

CHORUS

(o. s.)
(singing)
Here’s the story...
of a giant rifting.
There were lies, deceit
and killing twixt the two.
Now the warlord and the bard
have lost their children.
This really sucks, it’s true.

GABRIELLE

(nervous)
Argo -- ask her if there’s some danger I should know about.

XENA

You know, Argo, it’s tough to locate danger when the decibel level rises with senseless chatter.

CHORUS

(singing)
Here’s the story...

XENA

Just shut up already!

GABRIELLE

I didn’t say anything!

XENA

I’m talking to them!

CHORUS

Ow ow ow! That’s my ear! That’s my nose!
Cut it out, Xena, we’re trying to compose!

GABRIELLE

What are you guys doing here? I thought you were dead!

CHORUS

We think it’s a curse.
It’s really rather scary.
Cuz in the Xenaverse,
death is temporary!

XENA

Yeah? Well, when I came back from the dead I didn’t spend my time bothering people who didn’t want me around.

CHORUS

No, you worked real hard --
to return to your bard.
Remember that feeling?
Or is hate more appealing?

XENA

You don’t know anything about what I’m going through. Get out of here.

GABRIELLE

I love you, Xena.

CHORUS

(to Gabrielle)
Manipulative chatter,
won’t really matter.
You’re not sincere
so she won’t hear.

GABRIELLE

I’m sincere!

CHORUS

If you are, you’re a dope.
She made you kill Hope.
You’re burying your hate.
Talking love is too late.

XENA

Hey, leave her alone! She’s very forgiving. It’s her way. Don’t make fun of her for that.

GABRIELLE

You mean that, Xena?

XENA

I’m not talking to you.

GABRIELLE

(smugly)
And I forgive you for that.

XENA

Gods, you’re annoying.

GABRIELLE

I’m sorry, were you talking to me? You can’t be talking to me because you’re not talking to me, yet it seemed like you were talking to me.

XENA

(to chorus)
Tell Gabrielle that I prefer friends who don’t betray me. Who don’t lie to me. Who don’t say they forgive me in one breath and then sit in judgement on me for everything I’ve ever done in my life in the next. And who DON’T kill my children!

CHORUS

Hey, Gab,
didja get that?
Cuz putting it in rhyme
would take a really long time.

GABRIELLE

Yeah? Well you can tell her that I prefer friends who know how to forgive! Who have some compassion for someone who just had to murder her own daughter!
(throws away another burned marshmallow)
Dang these fluffy sweet puffs anyway. Fool things never cook right. And on top of that I’m thirsty.

CHORUS

Grab yourself some water
while we try to rhyme “daughter”.

XENA

So, Chorus. What made you come back to life?

CHORUS

Isn’t it obvious? Isn’t grand?
Next ep’s a musical -- figured we oughta be on hand.

XENA

Yeah, thank the gods I can sing. Guess Miss Abs over there is gonna have to skip that one.

GABRIELLE

That was just mean.

CHORUS

It’s okay, Gabby. Don’t get in whirl.
They’ll use another singer. Maybe an outta work Spice Grrl!

XENA

I hear they rejected “Son-killer” Spice. Maybe she’ll sing for her.

GABRIELLE

I think you’re getting into this rift thing a leeeeetle too much, Xena. How do you expect us to kiss and make up if you’re going to keep saying things like that?

CHORUS

You’re gonna kiss? You’ll need a male stand-in.
If Autolycus is busy, we’ll put our hand in!

XENA

I’m not kissing anybody. Well... maybe Callisto.

GABRIELLE

You’d kiss Callisto but not me? Oh that does it. NOW the rift is total. First Lao Ma, then Callisto. All I get are pecks on the cheek or head. I give up.

CHORUS

Chill out, babe, you’re getting delirious.
Two girls can kiss if it means nothing, but not if it’s serious!

GABRIELLE

So when is this musical thing gonna get here? I’m tired of rifting. I’ll never get a decent s’more until we make up.

CHORUS

Any minute! Any day!
It’s different round the world, when it will play!
And then you’ll see, the rift will be solved
--44 minutes of airtime and all sins absolved.

XENA

Hardly seems possible.

CHORUS

Nonbeliever. Cynic. How can you doubt?
This is Xenastaff! They’ll turn it about.
Don’t worry, don’t fret. Everything will be fine.
Just start in singing and love will be thine.

XENA

Do we have to sing as badly as you rhyme?

CHORUS

Hopefully not, but I wouldn’t place bets.
If Joanna writes it, this is as good as it gets.

GABRIELLE

Xena, please -- let’s stop rifting without the song and dance. Let’s just say we’re sorry and be done with it. I’m frightened. I don’t wanna have to sing.

XENA

Well, I’m still ticked at you.

GABRIELLE

You just want to showcase your singing voice. One appearance on a talk show and you get a role on Broadway. By that logic, I should have a new rap CD from being on Vibe.

XENA

Yeah, I hear strawberry blonde white chicks are all the rage in the rap world.

CHORUS

This rift is strong.
It’s really quite deep.
They’re arguing so long.
Makes a grown man weep!
C’mon, let’s hurry.
Let’s hear the Bitter Suite.
I’m starting to worry
it won’t be solved neat.

XENA

I’m game. After all, I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all Gabrielle’s fault.

GABRIELLE

Ha! MY fault? You’re the one who’s being pigheaded! I said I loved you and it didn’t even solve all our problems!

CHORUS

Gabrielle, buy a clue.
There’s nothing you can do.
Saying you love her is nothing new.
She needs more. She needs healing.
Her senses are reeling.
Your brat killed her boy and that’s one lousy feeling.
There’s only one thing.
And happiness it’ll bring.
You’ve simply got to let this dark warrior sing!

GABRIELLE

Fine. We’ll sing. I want Mariah Carey for my voice. Or maybe Whitney Houston. Melissa Etheridge! Tracy Chapman! Paula Cole! Barbra Streisand!

XENA

Yeah, like we’ve got that kinda budget. You’ll be lucky if you get Rosie O’Donnell.

CHORUS

Actually, we’ve heard the dub.
Yeah, we know, we’re spoiler cheaters.
The singer’s okay, though here’s the rub.
She sounds too much like Bernadette Peters.

GABRIELLE

Great. Do I have to sing that stupid Joxer song?

CHORUS

It’s there but breathe easy,
he sings it alone.
Yes, it’s quite cheesy,
but short and on tone.

GABRIELLE

When this is all over, can I have one of your s’mores, Xena?

XENA

Well... okay. Now hand me the atomizer. I gotta do my scales.

CHORUS

That’s great! It’s the best!
This will be fun.
And listen... hear that?
The music’s begun...!